Much has been written about successful single parenting and what skills promote a healthy and stable home. There are many keys to fruitful single parenting. Most of the strategies mirror those used by any parent. The caveat is that single parents must put forth more effort because they are doing everything without spousal support.

It must be stated that children from single parent homes can and do become reliable, reverent and happy adults. Children coming from a one parent household grow up to have faithful vocations, successful careers and respectful relationships when the individual who raised them does all he or she can to joyfully incorporate the following into family life.

Leave No Doubt About the Presence of Love

The most important gift a child gets from a parent is love. Leave no doubt in your children’s mind that they are loved. This sounds easy, but in reality it is tough. Each child has a unique idea of what it means to be loved. Some children feel love from simple parental actions while others are more demanding.

A great resource for expressing love to a child in a way that he will feel is the book Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman. This book explains that a child will feel loved in one of five ways; through physical affection, through gift giving, through acts of service, through words of affirmation or through shared time. It is amazing to recognize that God uniquely wired each child to feel most loved in only one of these five ways. When a parent is able to pinpoint which way says “I love you” better than any other, the child will never doubt the presence of love.

The easiest way to determine a child’s primary ‘love language’ is to watch how the child shows love. If your child routinely comes up to you and wants to sit on your lap or give you a hug or kiss, it is likely that your child wants physical affection in return. If your child has a habit of bringing you handmade cards or little gifts, your child may feel most loved when you give a gift. If your child is eager to help you with chores or please you by following directions, acts of service may speak love the loudest. If your child consistently gives you compliments, words of affirmation may be the primary love language. Finally, if you have a child who just wants to be with you all the time, shared time may be the way to speak love into his heart.

Knowing your child’s primary love language is vital to single parenting because you are the most significant individual in his life. A second person isn’t constantly available to affirm what you miss. Therefore, spend time to figure this out. It will improve your parent/child relationship, decrease tension and increase your family’s joy.

Regular Routines

Family life is full of activity; Church, work, school, recreation, rest and relaxation… The best way to manage moving from one activity to the next without undue stress is to establish regular routines. Organization is the key element to successful scheduling. Here are three tips to help you organize your home.

• A family calendar helps a home run smoothly. It tells each family member who has to be where and when. It can also be used to post phone numbers and notes that will help with communication. Consider posting a family calendar that can easily be updated and managed in an ‘easy to see’ location.
• Establish habits of preparation. These are day to day behaviors that make the schedule work. For example, establishing an end of the day routine of laying out clothes to be worn to school, making lunches and filling backpacks can make a morning routine much smoother.
• Create a list of chores for each family member. It is important that everyone have a list of duties that they know contribute to the maintenance of a happy home. Even the youngest of children can be responsible for a portion of the workload. Remember to determine when these duties need to be done (daily, weekly, monthly…)

Borders and Boundaries

A healthy and happy family has borders and boundaries. This begins by setting clear, specific expectations for behavior. When setting your expectations remember these key points.

1. State your expectation in the positive (what you want) rather than in the negative (what you don’t want).
2. Make sure you can measure the expectation. (Instead of saying “clean up your room” be more specific and say “clothes need to be in folded in your drawers or hung in the closet”.)
3. Clearly communicate the expectations. This might mean that you need to right the expectations down and post them where all can see.
4. Consider input and feedback in setting your expectations. While it is true that you are the parent, it is good to discuss these expectations with you children and ask them for their input – especially if your child is 8 years of age or older. Let your child know that you have heard the input and will take it under advisement. If it is something you can live with, leads to what is right and good and can be measured, then incorporate it.
5. Expect resistance. It is human nature to buck the system. Anticipate this by strengthening your resolve to calmly face the conflict without crumbling.
6. Periodically review what the expectations are. If the expectation is getting the desired result, keep it. If it is not working out, consider modifications.

Spend Time Together

Consider creating rituals of play and prayer. A ritual is different from a routine in that it has emotional significance. A routine is intentional and repeated over and over again but it usually doesn’t create an emotional bond. A ritual, on the other hand, is intentional, repeated and creates a sense of attachment. Rituals to consider include nightly meals (turn off that TV or stash the I Pods so that everyone can talk about their day), game nights, movie nights (remember the popcorn!) evening rosaries, morning prayers before heading out of the house…

Develop a Network of Support

As important as it is to set up an organized home that is high in love and expectations, it is just as vital to create a network of individuals who are willing to step in and help you. This network may be your immediate family and close friends. But, it may also include neighbors, parish members or persons from various family friendly groups like 4-H, scouts, family resource councils, etc. Make a list of those who you can call for various personal or family needs.

Find Quiet Time for Yourself

The items above may strain you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is why it is important to remember that you will need time to reflect and regroup. Many single parents find it helpful to plan anywhere from 15 to 60 minutes each day to be in quiet relationship with God. This might mean setting an alarm 15 minutes earlier so that you can start your day slowly in prayer or it might mean that you take a walk over your lunch break and listen to Him. It might mean spending time in Eucharistic Adoration at your parish or reading a daily devotional before going to sleep. The main idea is to carve out daily time to be quiet and reflective in His presence.

Know Your Limits – Seek Help

When the strains of single parenting begin to mount and try your patience, seek help from rather than engage in destructive behaviors. Every parent, whether single or married, has a tipping point. Figure out what leads you to the edge of your abilities and then share that with a trusted individual. When your parenting journey begins to move towards your ‘edge’, seek the counsel of your trusted individual. Do not wait until you are at the edge. Signal for assistance in advance of the meltdown.

Healthy Ideas to Beat Parental Stress

1. Take a long walk.
2. Check out an exercise video or DVD from your local library, and make time to do it twice a week.
3. Listen to soothing music.
4. Read a fiction book or short story that you can totally lose yourself in.
5. Write your life story.
6. Swap play dates with a neighbor so you can each enjoy a few minutes of solitude.
7. Try a new recipe.
8. Pray a decade of the rosary.
9. Write a letter to a friend.
10. Surround yourself with pictures of the people you love and things you care about.
11. Smile at yourself in the mirror.
12. Set the timer, close your eyes, and breathe deeply for five minutes.
13. Read a magazine.
14. Clean your house – it’s a great stress reliever!
15. Work on a puzzle (Jigsaw, Sudoku, Crossword, Jumbles).
16. Sit outside and breathe fresh air.
17. Get up fifteen minutes early so you can linger over a cup of coffee.
18. Bake your favorite meal or dessert.
19. Re-read something that has been especially encouraging to you.
20. Keep a journal of your dreams, hopes, joys, thoughts.
21. Go to a park and sit on the swings with your kids.
22. Go to bed an hour early.
23. Rent your favorite comedy DVD and laugh till your cry!
24. Watch the sunset or sun rise.
25. Grow something, such as a house plant or fresh herbs or a garden.
26. Give yourself permission to say “No” to something you really don’t have time for or are not interested in.
27. Turn on music and dance!
28. Sing in the shower.
29. Lend a hand to someone in need.
30. Bless your child by tracing a cross on their forehead!