Parenting in the Early Years: Serving Life
SERVING LIFE
The next task of parents is to serve life – both the children who have been born and those that are to follow.* When you are parenting children between the ages of birth and three, the more immediate need will appear to be to those who are already here. You will serve life first by honoring your offspring and providing for their education. With this in mind, here are a few ideas on setting up a home that is open to life.
Become a Family of Honor
Each person in your family has immense dignity. And it is the role of each family member to honor that God-given worth. Honoring is a three step process that involves:
- Treating each person with respect.
- Doing more than is expected.
- Maintaining a positive attitude.
Families of honor rarely yell or demean each other. They avoid pushing each other to the brink of anger or frustration. Rather, they find selfless ways to help each other out.
When children are young, honoring is first developed by the parents who honor each other. If a baby needs changing, the first one on the scene takes care of it. If the Mom has been up for several evenings in a row taking care of a sick child, the Dad steps in and gives her a rest. Honor continues to be developed through the use of manners in the home. “Please”, “thank you”, “you are welcome” can go a long way to develop honor. Finally, honor can be enhanced when everyone (especially Mom and Dad) is asked to practice patience. Learning to wait quietly is a cornerstone of an honoring family.
Forget Perfection – Try Organization
Many parents try to establish rigid rules of orderliness and scheduling within the family. The hope is that the strict standards will bring peak efficiency and calmness to the home. Unfortunately, smooth and easy living usually doesn’t happen when a family is run as tightly as a ship. Rather, nerves become frazzled and stress levels sky-rocket. Instead of making perfection your goal try focusing on organization. To do this we suggest;
- Place ‘bumper’ or ‘margin’ time around each task. For example, if you know that you have to be up and out of the house early in the morning, try to do some of the organization the night before and then set your clock 15 minutes earlier than normal to ensure that you have time to handle some unforeseen event (can anyone say poopy pants?) without blowing your stack. In other words, plan for the unexpected at nearly every bend.
- Set daily, weekly and monthly targets. It is easy to fall into a mindset of having to get everything done today. (Ex. When you go to bed the laundry is all finished, the kitchen is clean, the toys are picked up—) Set up a system of daily duties that have to be finished, weekly tasks that have to be done by a certain day and monthly goals that need to be completed. Stretching out the chores provides breathing room.
- Modify your expectations. Truth be told, the early years of parenting are like managing chaos. Be realistic about what you think the first years of family life will be. Expect to move more slowly and to accomplish less.
Spend Time with Your Children
Who do you want to spend the most time with your children? Will it be you, a care provider, or the relatives? This is one of the most important discussions you will have as parents because the quantity of time spent with a child does impact who the child will become. In the best case scenario, one of you will be able to stay home with your child. This is a challenge for many couples because it means that someone is going to have to forgo (are maybe even drop) a promising career and the financial support it offers. However, having a stay at home parent is also a blessing. The fruit of the sacrifice is seen in the child’s goodness, joy and zest for life. So consider the following.
- What is God asking of me as a parent?
- What is best for our family?
- What is best for the children?
Resist the enticement to think that disposable income is more important to a child than your time with him.
If the decision has to be made to use some form of child care, it is vital that you set up the most secure and proper environment for your children. There may be a temptation to choose what is most efficient and easiest for you. However, basing the child care decision on what is best for you may not be best for the children. Consider all the facets of the decision before you finalize anything.
Make Discipline Age Appropriate
In the first years of parenting there are many child development issues to take into account. First, children under the age of 2 are not out to get you or to make you angry. When you think they are misbehaving they are really testing their boundaries to see how far you will let them go. However, after the age of 2 the child will begin to demonstrate his willfulness and intentionally become naughty. Thus, there are different discipline techniques to use in this age category.
Distraction: children 2 and under should be distracted when they get into trouble. Simply diverting their interest towards something else solves most problems. If this doesn’t work, firmly say “no” and remove them from the activity.
Time Out: Children over the age of 2 should be disciplined with a ‘time out’. Set up a space that is known as the ‘time out’ space (corner, chair, or rug). When the child needs to be disciplined, calmly put the child in the time out space. The child should stay in time out for the number of minutes that matches their age (2 year old has a 2 minute time out, etc.). Dr. Ray Guarendi reminds parents that the minute-per-year rule is just a guideline. How much time your child spends in time-out might depend on the nature of the infraction and the level of resistance. You may choose not to start the time-out until your child is quiet, or at least has stopped throwing a fit. However, the guideline is meant to keep you from disciplining based on your level of frustration. When the child is finished with time out, she should apologize and say she is sorry.
Remove a privilege: the last technique for children 18 months or older is to remove some privilege when the child misbehaves. This could be anything from taking away a toy to missing a special event. If this method is used, make the magnitude privilege match the degree of the misbehavior.
No matter which discipline technique you use there are key steps to remember:
- Remain calm and in control of your emotions.
- Be firm – never harmful.
- Be consistent – what is wrong today should be wrong tomorrow.
- When the discipline is over, forgive the child and move on.
* Serving life includes openness to creating more children with God. This means that parents who serve life respect both sexual intimacy and their unique gift of fertility. They understand that God chose them as His vehicle for bringing forth new human life and gave them sexual intimacy by which they can procreate. Parents who serve life understand that sexual intimacy is something to be reverenced. It is a good of marriage and it is to be exclusive, faithful and open to life.